Teachers And Students

Tow pupils were fighting outside the examination
hall. The Teacher came out and said : “why are
you fighting?.
One student : Teacher, he left his answer sheet
blank.
Teacher : Why should that bother you?.
Student: I too left my answer sheet blank.
Teacher : So . . . . . ?
Student : You will think that we have copied
from each other.


Teacher : I am extremely pleased to see the high
grade you have achieved during these exams. I
hope that you will continue achieving such
splendid results.
Student : Sir, I can definitely achieve such
high grades, if you again get the question
papers for the next exam printed at my father’s
press.

Science teacher: Dipu, which is the source of
light to all the planets?
Dipu : I don’t know, sir.
Teacher : It is the sun.
Dipu : But the sun will realize his mistake when
he gets the electricity bill.


The teacher was examining Ravindra’s maths
answer sheet. He was very much surprised to see
so many mistakes in the answer sheet.
“Ravindra,” the teacher asked, how did you
commit so many mistakes in your answer sheet?”.
“Sir” , Ravindra replied, “ I did not write the
paper alone. My father helped me out”.

Teacher : (To Ramesh, a student). Rames, what is
the climate of Australia?
Ramesh : Frozen cold, sir,
Teacher : (in a very angry tone). Who told you?
Ramesh : Sir, the food tins we receive from
Australia are Always frozen cold.


Raju : Sir, elephants do not brush their teeth
but why do we brush ours?
Sir : Elephants do not wear clothes, but why are
you dressed?

Teacher : Prakash, now that you’ve kindly
consented to come to school, what would you like
to do?
Prakash : Go home.

Teacher : How old is your brother?
Student : How can I tell unless you tell me his
date of birth?

Teacher : How high can kangaroo jump?
Brindu : As high as the Qutab Minar.
Teacher : Manish, do you think that Brindu is
right?
Manish : Well, I don’t even know that Qutb Minar
could jump.

A nursery school teacher : Ramu, tell A,B,C,D
Ramu : Why. Miss, don’t you know the alphabet?

Teacher : Which of these two travels faster,
heat or cold?
Ramu : Heat.
Teacher : What makes you think so?
Ramu : Because, we catch cold.


The teacher (to Shanker): What do you mean by
democracy?
Shanker : Democracy means government off the
people, far from the people, to buy the people.

Teacher : Gopi, which things lay more eggs.
Gopi : Sir, my arithmetic note-book.

Teacher : George, give me three examples of the
ape family.
George : Mother ape, father ape and child ape.

Teacher : Raju, did your father know about your
progress Report? Did you show it to him?
Raju : Yes, madam. He said, “you’re better than
me”.

Teacher : Which is more useful, sun or moon?
Ramu : Moon, sir.
Teacher : Why?
Ramu : Because, the sun gives us light only
during the day when it’s not needed.


Teacher (to Tom). Have you heard of psychology?
Tom : Yes, sir.
Teacher : Where have you heard of it?
Tom : Here just now, and from you, sir.






Police And Prisoners

Policeman : You always did your daring robbery
single-handed. Why did you not take a friend?
Prisoner : I was afraid that he might not be
honest.

Policeman : You admit that you broke into the
same dress shop Four times. What did you steal?
Prisoner : I stole a dress for my wife. But she
made me change it three times.

Two burglars had broken into a clothing store
and were busy sorting out some suit when one of
them saw a suit priced at Rs. 2000.
He said : Look at the price of that suit : It is
downright robbery.

Prisoner (just arrived) : This is an old
fashioned prison. Why don’t they get some
up-to-date machinery?
Policeman : What do you mean?
Prisoner : I was here twenty-five years ago. Now
it is exactly as it was at that time. We still
break stones by hand.

Burglar to friend : Come on. Let us how much we
have stolen to-night.
Friend : I am tired. Let us wait and look in the
morning newspaper.

Policeman : How did you get into the prison?
Prisoner : Just plain absent-mindness.
Policeman : How could it be?
Prisoner : I forgot to change the engine number
of the car before I sold it.

Visitor to prisoner : Why are you here?
Prisoner : I am a victim of the lucky number 13.
Visitor : How is it?
Prisoner : Twelve jurors and one judge found me
guilty.


Prisoner : The judge sent me here for the rest
of my life.
Policeman : Any complaint?
Prisoner : Do you call breaking rock with hammer
a rest?

A murder was being sent to be hanged in public.
A crowd of people were running on before him.
He told them: Don’t be in such a hurry. I can
assure you that nothing will be done until I
reached there.

A man to a passer-by on the road; Excuse me. Do
you happen to have seen a policeman anywhere
near here?
Passer-by: No.
The man then said : All right. Hurry up and give
your watch.

Prisoner : Modern science cost me a year of my
life.
Policeman : It was a badly managed operation?
Prisoner : No, my finger-prints were responsibl













Parents & Children

Father to son : Progress report shows that your
performance is poor, very poor. You have got low
marks in all subjects.
Son : But, see daddy, what is written on the
last Line of the report “Health Excellent”.
Son : Dad, my teacher told me that with a mind
like mine, I should study criminal law.
Dad : That is nice, dear. I am proud of you.
Son: He said I had a criminal mind.
Mother : I am worried that you are at the bottom
of the class.
Daughter : There is nothing to worry because
they teach the same lessons to all students.

Daughter : Mummy, can I go for a swim in the sea
?
Mother : No. It is very risky.
Daughter : But daddy has gone to swim.
Mother : Yes. He can go because he is insured.
Father to son : How are you doing in school ?
Son : Why do you ask me such a question. I never
ask you how you do in your office.
Father : Name two pronouns.
Son : Who? Me?
Father : You lazy boy. Get up from bed. The sun
is already up.
Son : Yes father. But the sun goes to bed early
and I Go very late.

Mother to son : It is good that you did not
forget your umbrella to-day.
Son : But I forgot my school bag.
Mother : Raju, when the clock strikes 13, what’s
the time?
Raju : It’s time to get it repaired.
Sally : (Running out into the balcony). Mummy,
there’s a black cat in the room.
Mother : Never mind. Black cats are lucky.
Sally : Yes, this one is lucky. She’s got our
lunch.

Father : Raghu, shall I help you in your maths
problems?
Raghu : Thanks, dad, I might as well get it all
wrong by myself.

Child : Papa, where were you born?
Papa : In a foreign country, my son.
Child : Mummy, where were you born?
Mama : In Kanpur, my son.
Child : An I ?
Mama : In a nursing-home at Ajmer.
Child : Then how did we get together?
Father : How many letters are there in the
English alphabet?
Son : I am not sure.
Father : Even being grown up, you don’t know the
letters of the alphabet?
Son : But you are so much bigger than I, and,
yet, you don’t know about the many letters that
are in the post office.
Mother to child: “I hope you did not take a
second piece of cake at the party”.
Child : “No. I took two pieces at the first time
itself”.

Uncle ram came to stay and while he left he gave
his new nephew a few rupees, saying : “Be
careful with the money. A fool And his money are
soon separated”.
Nephew replied : “Yes uncle, but I want to thank
you for parting with it, just the same”.
Mother to her little son: “Why did you strike
your sister?”.
Son : “We were playing Adam and Eve. Instead of
tempting me with the apple, she ate it herself”.
Mother to son : “Why are you sitting there when
you should be in bed?”.
Son : “There is a mosquito in my room”.
Mother : “It has not bitten you”.
Son : “No, but it came close enough for me to
hear it propeller”.

Mother to son: “This morning there were two
pieces of cake in the pantry. Now there is only
one. How is that?”.
Son: I don’t know. It must have been so dark
that I did not see the other piece:

Child to mother : Mummy, Ram has taken the
largest piece of cake. This is unfair because he
was eating cakes three years Before I was born.

Father : Suresh, if you had ten rupees and I
took five rupees from you, what will be the
balance left with you.
Suresh : Ten.
Father : How can it be so?
Suresh : Father, I wouldn’t have given any money
to you.

After visiting a zoom, a father and his daughter
went to a bank for withdrawing some money.
While waiting for the payment, they were
chit-chatting.
Daughter : Daddy, two chimpanzees are locked in
the cage over
Here too, similar to the one we saw at the zoom,
just now.
Daddy : No, my daughter, they are not
chimpanzees, but the cashier and the teller.

Son: Papa, where are you going?
Father: I am going to the market to buy hay.
Son: There is no need to go to the market.
Father: Why?
Son: Because my teacher told me that my head is
filled with hay.
Mother was puzzled when she heard Johnson
praying one day :
“Oh God: bless mummy, bless daddy and make
Bombay the capital of India.”
“Why do you ask for that, Johnson:”.
Because, that’s what I have written in my exam,
mummy”.
Son : Daddy, can you sign with your eyes closed.
Father : Yes.
Son : Then, please sign my Report Card without
seeing it.
Mother : John, how was the test?
John : Oh, fine:
Mother : Then, why did the teacher send this
note?
John : I said the test was fine. I didn’t say
anything about the answer.
Mother : Shyam, go and call the doctor. Your
little sister has swallowed a marble from your
shelf.
Shyam : Don’t worry mum. I have lots of marbles.

Father : Tell me son, who give the largest
number of eggs.
Son : My maths teacher – in my maths copy.
A child was taken to the museum by her auntie.
They Went into the Egyptian room and there saw a
mummy. Child Asked what it was. Auntie answered
: “that is some one’s Mummy”.
The child said : “I am glad my mummy is not like
that”.
The parents had a bright little boy and they
were Showing him to a visitor. The latter asked:
“Has he learnt the Alphabet?”. When told “Yes”,
the visitor asked the boy :
“What is the first letter?. He answered: “A”,
Visitor said: “Very good; and what comes after
that?”.

Mother to her little son :”Which apple do you
want?”.
Son : “I want the biggest one”.
Mother : You should be polite and take the
little one.
Child : Should I tell a lie just to be polite?

Little boy, running to his mother : “There is
going to be trouble at the grocer’s shop”.
Mother : Why?
Boy : The grocer’s wife delivered a girl today.
For the past week he had a sign in his window:
Boy wanted.

Boy : Daddy, can you still do tricks?
Father : What do you mean?
Boy : Mother says that when you were young, you
used to drink like a fish.
Boy to father : Is ink so very expensive?
Father : Why you think like that?.
Son : Mother was very angry when I spilled some
ink on the carpet.

A women to her little daughter : I would not cry
like that if I were you.
Daughter : You can cry and way like. This is my
way.

A very small boy was trying to lead a big dog on
the road. A Passer-by asked: “where are you
going to take that dog?
The boy replied : First, I want to see where he
wants to go.
Small boy : Dad, the barometer has fallen.
Father : Has it fallen very much?
Boy : (with guilty look) if has fallen five
feet. It is broken.

Boy : Mother, we are going to play elephants at
the zoo and we want you to help us.
Mother : How can I help you.
Boy : You can be the lady who gives them peanuts
and candy.

Little boy : Was that policeman ever a little
baby?
Mother : Yes, of course.
Boy : Oh, mummy, I would like to see a baby
policeman.
Boy : Mother, I just took a splinter out of my
hand with a pin.
Mother : A pin? Don’t you know it is dangerous.
Boy : No, I used a safety pin.

Mother : Tommy, would you like to have a pretty
cake with five candles on it for your party.
Tommy : I would rather have five cakes and one
candle.

Father was sitting in the chair one evening,
when his little son came in and showed him a new
pen-knife. He said.
Father, “Are you sure it was lost”?
Son : of course, it was lost. I saw the man
looking for it”.

Little boy : Mummy, what do the angels do in
heaven?
Mother : They sing and play hards.
Boy : Do they have no radios?
Father to five-year old son : A boy like you
should not be afraid to sleep in the dark.

Son : It is all very well for you to say that.
You have got Mother to look after you.
Mother : Why are you crying Naresh?
Naresh : I lost the 1 rupee you had given me.
Mother : It doesn’t matter. Take this 1 rupee.
Naresh went on crying louder and louder.
Mother : Why don’t you stop crying, now I have
given you money?
Naresh : If I had not lost the 1 rupee, now I
will be having 2 rupees.
Mother : Sonia, answer the phone.
Sonia : It is not ringing.
Mother : Why leave everything till the last
minute?
Mother : Raju, why don’t you eat your breakfast?
It’s getting cold.
Father : Raju, why don’t you complete your
home-work? It’s getting late for school.
Raju : I can’t do everything hurriedly. I’ll eat
the breakfast. You please do the home-work,
father.

Son : (To his father.) : Pappa, doctors say that
worry causes tension and tension causes heart
attack.
Father : You’re right, son.
Son : Yes, and that’s the reason why I’ve
stopped worrying about my studies.

Father : Ravi, how was your English exam today?
Ravi : We were asked to write an essay on, “If
were a prime Minister.”.
Father : What did you write?
Ravi : I wrote, “If I were Prime Minister I
would not be writing this exam.”
Son (to his stingy father) : Father, I saved
fifty paise Today. I reached school by running
after the bus.
Father : You foolish boy, why didn’t you run
after a taxi? That way, you could have saved at
least two rupees.

Mum : You wicked little imp: If you are not
good, I shall call a policeman.
Little son : If you do that, mum, I will tell
him that we have not got a car license.

A small boy told his father : Going to school is
a waste of time. I cannot read and write and
they won’t allow me to talk.
Mother : How did you get a gold medal, without
answering a single question?
Son : It’s simple. They say that speech is
silver, silence is golden.

Bobby : Mother, our cat is very naughty.
Mother : Yes, dear, he must be punished.
Bobby : Mother, I’ve punished him.
Mother : How?
Bobby : I drank away the milk kept for him.
Father : I wonder why this costly pen I bought
from England is not writing.
Son : How can that be? It was in a first-class
condition when I used it on the wall yesterday.

Small child : Mummy. Why don’t Egyptian children
have daddies?
Mother : They do have daddies, dear, just like
everyone else has.
Small child : But we learnt in school today and
the teacher went on telling us all about the
Egyptian mummies, but she never mentioned any
Egyptian daddies.

Son : Dad, I killed five flies. There of them
were males while the other two were females.
Father : How do you know it?
Son : Because three of them were sitting on the
glass of whisky, while the other two were on the
mirror.

Father : I had a talk with you teacher today.
Now I want to ask you a question. Who is the
laziest in your class?
Son : I don’t know, dad.
Father : Let me help you to remember. When the
students are busy writing or reading who is it
that just sits and looks on while others are
busy?
Boy : Uncle, what is the time now?
Uncle : 10-10
Boy : Uncle, you need not say it twice, I am not
deaf.

Sanjay : (to his father) : Daddy, doctors say
that three things cause tension and
heart-attack.
Father : What are they, my son.
Sanjay : They are worry, hurry and curry.
Mother (to daughter) : Have more spinach. It
will bring colour to your cheeks.
Daughter : But I don’t want green cheeks.

Mother (to her child, while traveling in a
train): Sushil, be quite. Otherwise, I’ll have
to give you a beating.
Sushil : Mom, if you beat me up, then I’ll tell
my real age to the ticket examiner.

“Mummy, may I go and play with my friend
Krishna?
“But I don’t like your friend, Krishna”.
“Then, mummy, can I go and have a fight with
him?”.

Mother : I hope you didn’t a second helping of
cake at the party, son.
Son : No, I took two pieces the very first time.

Dad : Son, you must not pull the cat’s tail.
Son : I am only holding it. It is the cat which
is actually pulling away.
Seema : Mother, why does the teacher always call
me a donkey?
Mother : Because, one donkey recognizes the
other donkey easily.

Mother : Why did you strike your little sister?
Young child : We were playing Adam and Eve and,
instead of tempting me with the apple, she ate
it herself.
Father (to son who came home in great hurry and
exhausted):
What happened? Why do you look like this?
Son : I fell in a mud-hole.

Father : What: you fell wearing your new pant.
Son : Yes. I did not have the time to remove it.
Boy: Daddy, do you think that mummy knows much
about bringing up children?
Father : What makes you ask that question?
Boy : She makes me go to bed when I am wide
awake and makes me get up when I am awfully
sleepy.

Visitor to child : Do you like singing?
Child : Oh, no. I hate it really. But mummy
makes me sing when she wants people to go.

Bus Conductor : My little girl, how old are you?
Girl : I would prefer to pay full fare and keep
my age to myself.

Mother to Child : Which apple do you want?
Child : I want the biggest one.
Mother : You should be polite and take the
little one.
Child : Mummy, should I tell a lie just to be
polite?

Mother to Daughter : Did not your conscience
tell you not to do that?
Daughter : Yes. But you told me that I should be
believe all I hear.

A visitor asked a small girl : What will you do
when you are as big as your mother.
Child : I will start dieting.
A women asked a child : Have you lost another
tooth?
Child : Yes. That is why I am limping when I
talk.
Mother to grocer : I sent my little boy for two
pounds of plums. But you sent only one pound and
a half.
Grocer : My scales are all right. Have you
weighed your little boy?

A man asked a little girl : Why are you crying?
She replied : Because my brother has holidays
and I don’t have any.
Man : Why don’t you have holidays?
Girl : Because I do not go to school yet.

“Ramu, what is the matter with your brother”,
asked The mother of the boys. Ramu replied : “He
is crying because I am eating my cake and won’t
give him any”.
The mother asked : “Is his own cake finished?”,
Ramu Said : “Yes, and he cried while I was
eating that too”.
Child to mother : “Mummy, why does it rain?”
Mother
Replied : “To make things grow, to give us
apples, pears, Corn, flowers etc”.

Child : “Why then does it rain on the
payment?”.
Boy : “Say, mother how much I was worth?”.
Mother :”Why, you are worth a million to me,
dear.
Boy : “Well, then could you advance me a
quarter?”.
A little boy was saying his prayers while going
to bed in a very low voice.
His mother whispered: “I can’t hear you, dear”.
The boy said : “I was not talking to you”.
“Daddy, can you still do the trick?”
Father asked : “What do you mean?”.
Boy said : “Well, mother said that when you were
young you used to drink like a fish”.

A girl child was taken to the museum by her
auntie. They went into the Egyptian room where
there was a mummy. Child asked What it was?
Auntie informed that it was some one’s mummy.
Child: Auntie, I am glad that my mummy is not
like that.

Father to child: “You must not fight. Have you
not been taught to love your enemies?”.
Child : He is not my enemy. He is my brother.

Father to little son: If you don’t say your
prayers, you won’t Go to heaven.
Son: I don’t want to go to Heaven. I want to go
with you and mother.

Boy asks father : “Is ink very expensive?”.
Father : “No, why do you ask this question?
Boy : “Mother seems quite disturbed because I
spilled some ink on the carpet”.

Father : “Is it not wonderful how little chicks
get out of their shells?”.
Son :”What I wonder is how they get in”.
A boy went into the parlor to see a visitor who
was with his father. The visitor asked the boy:
“Why are you Looking at me closely?”.
The boy said : “Father told me that you were a
self-made man and I want to see how you look
like”.

The visitor who was fat and not good – looking
said :
“Yes, I am a self-made man”. The boy asked :
“But why did you make yourself like that ?”.

Boy : Mother, we are going to play elephants at
the Zoo and we want you to help us”.
Mother : “How can I help”.

Father to son : Do you know what happens to
people who tell lies?
Son : Yes. They lie still.

Son to mother : Can I have those apples on the
cupboard?
Mother : Yes, of course.
Son : I am so glad you agreed.

Mother : Why? Are you hungry?
Son : No – I have already eaten them.

Father to son : Are you not ashamed to be at the
bottom in a class of 28 boys.
Son : That is no so bad.
Father : What do you mean by saying, not so bad.
Son : Suppose, there were fifty boys.

Son : Daddy last night you helped me with
solving a problem. But teacher said it was all
wrong.
Father : All wrong? I am sorry.
Son: You need not feel sorry. None of the other
daddies got it right.
Father to son: You are making slow progress in
your studies. When Mr. Nehru was of your age, he
had finished college education.
Son : And when he was of your age, he had become
prime minister.