A burglar entered a house. He did not take away
the Owner’s T.V. He took only the remote
control. Then, he drove Once in a while and
changed the channel.
A Russian citizen writes about his visit to
America. Went to an American restaurant. There
was my soup. In
Russia fly in soup in considered
two-course-meal. What a County : Restaurants are
nice here. It is different in Russia. Russian
Restaurants do not have waiters. Customers Are
waiters. Waiting for food : What a country : In
America
People are lucky to have enough soup for fly to
get wet in.
In Russia fly in lucky to get damp.
You have tips in America. In Russia you don’t
want to Leave tips. You just want to leave.
Frank was a man who believed in the deeper
meaning of Numbers. He was born on May 5, 1905
and was fifty-five yeart’s old. He had five
children. He lived at flat number 555 in the
55th street. For the last five years, he had
earned $. 55,000 as an executive in a company.
On his fifty-fifth birthday, Frank went to the
horse race. He was surprised to find that a
certain horse was running the Fifth race that
after-noon. Five minutes before the race began,
He went to the fifth window and he put down five
thousand Dollars in five-dollar bills on horse
Number Five. Sure enough, the horse finished
fifth.
A man went to a book shop. He asked the woman
behind the Counter. Where is the self-help
section?”. She said, “If I told You it would
defeat the whole purpose.

Boy to father : What for do people have candles
on their birthday cakes?
Father : Just to make light of their age.

Visitor to circus : Does the animal trainer get
much money?
Manager : Yes. He gets the lion’s share of the
money.

Man to Friend : When I get a cold, I buy a
bottle of Whisky; and within a few minutes it is
gone.
Friend : That is a short time to get rid of me
cold.
Man :Rid of cold? It is the whisky that go.

A friend asks a woman : I suppose your baby
reigns as king in your family.
Woman : No, as prime of wails.

Little Nirmala tells her friend : We have a new
baby in our house.
Friend : Is it a boy or girl?
Nirmal : I don’t know. They have not put on any
clothes on the baby yet.

A small boy asked his friend: What is your new
brother’s name.
Friend : I don’t know yet. We cannot understand
a word of what he says.

The newly married couple got down from the
train. The bride told her husband: Let us try to
make the people think That we have been married
for a long time.
Husband: All right. Now you carry the suitcase.
A speaker, talking for more than two hours, told
his Audience: “I am sorry that I spoke so long.
You see, I Do not have a watch with me”. One man
in the audience shouted: “But there is a
calendar on the wall”.
She: This is a good spot for a picnic.
He : It must be: So many insects cannot be
wrong.

In a medical college, the lecturer was giving a
lesson First aid. He asked a student: What would
you do if you a Found a man in a fainting
condition?
Student : I will give him some brandy.
Lecturer : If there was no brandy available?
Student : Then I would promise him to give it.
Man to Friend: What is the weather like to-day?
Friend : It is a very cloudy. I cannot see.
Householder: You area big healthy man. Why don’t
You go to work?
Beggar: I am too heavy for light work and too
light for heavy work.

Smith : Sorry, my hen got loose and spoiled your
garden.
Jones : That does not matter. My dog has eaten
your hen.
Smith : Fine, my car an over dog and killed him.

An astrologer, sitting the market-place told the
fortunes Of the passers-by. A person ran to him
in great haste and told him that the doors of
his house had been broken open and that all his
goods were being stolen. He sighed heavily and
ran away fast. A neighbour, seeing him, said:
“you say that you can predict the fortunes of
others. How is it that you could not foresee
your own fortune?”.
A farmer had a parrot which could talk. A
professor saw it, saying “No doubt about it”. He
bought it from the farmer, Paying Rs. 100. But,
after taking it home, he found that the parrot
could say only these four words and nothing
else. all His attempts to teach more words
failed. Finally, in disgust, He told his wife:
“I did a most foolish thing in buying this
Parrot.” The parrot said: “No doubt about it”.

A man fell asleep on a sofa and began to snore.
Seeing this, his little daughter ran out into
the corridor and shouted: “Mummy, come quickly.
Daddy is boiling”.

A man was resting under a tree when a friend
told him: Why don’t you go and cut some wood?
Man: What for?
Friend: You can sell it. With that money you can
buy a Donkey and distribute wood from house to
house. Thus you will Earn a lot of money and
then buy a truck. Later, you can buy Several
trucks. In this way, you can build a big
business.
Man : What for?
Friend : Then you can become a millionaire and
can relax In peace.
Man: But I am now doing exactly that.
A man threw a coin toward the blind man’s cup.
The coin missed and rolled along the pavement.
But the man with The dark glasses quickly
recovered it. The person who gave the coin said
: I thought you were blind. The man with dark
glasses said : I am not the regular Blind man. I
am just taking his place while he is in watching
the film in the cinema hall.
A man told his friend : My daughter is
cultivating her voice.
Friend : Is it improving.
Man : It is growing stronger. She used to be
heard only two apartments away. Now we get
complaints from the Next building.
Boy : Daddy, what is a rare book?
Daddy : It is a book that comes back after you
have loaned it.
Man to his writer friend : Don’t you find
writing a than less job?
Friend : No. On the contrary everything I write
is Returned to me with thanks.

A complier of a dictionary was asked by a friend
: How did you manage to prepare it so well.
Compiler : It was easy. It was something like
having a quarrel with one’s wife. One word led
to anther.

Novelist to friend: At last I have written
something that will be accepted by any magazine.
Friend : What is it.
Novelist : It is a cheque for a year’s
subscription.
Author to friend : It took me ten years to
discover that I had absolutely no talent for
writing.
Friend : Did you give it up?
Author : No. By that time I had become very
famous.
Boy in a hotel dining room: A scientist says
that what we eat we become.
Girl on seeing the menu card: Let us order
something rich.
Hotel keeper to guest: here are a few views of
our hotel for you to take with you.
Guest: Thanks. But I have my own views of your
hotel.
Guest: Does the water always come through the
roof like that?
Hotel keeper: No. Only when it rains.

Lady to hotel manager, can you give me a room
and bath?
Manager : I can give you a room. But you will
have to take your own bath.
Diner: You advertise that this restaurant in
under new management. But I see the same manage
is still here.
Waiter: Yes sir but he got married yesterday.
An American tourist on a trip in the Sahara
desert takes a wrong turn and gets hopelessly
lost. After a long morning in the hot sun, he
spots a man riding towards him on a donkey.
The tourist says : “Please help me. I am dying
of Thirst”.
“I am sorry”, says the stranger. “All I have are
neckties”.

The tourist cries : “Neckties? I need water”.
The stranger tells him : “I like you. I will
help
You. I normally get fifteen dollars each for
these ties.
But I will give you two for twenty-five
dollars”.
But tourist goes away in disgust. Three hours
later,
He comes across a restaurant. He asks the waiter
at the
Entrance: “Can I get some water?”. Waiter
replies: “Yes,
Of course. But I cannot allow you inside without
a tie”.

An American manufacturer is showing his factory
to a Potential customer from another country. At
noon when the Lunch whistle blows, two thousand
men and women immediately stop work and leave
the building.
The visitor shouts: “Your workers are escaping.
You Should stop them”.
The American said: “Don’t worry. They will be
back Soon”. And at one o’clock the whistle blows
again, And all the workers return to the
factory. When the visitor has seen everything in
the factory, The manufactures turn to him and
asks, “Now which of these Machinery would you
like to buy?”.
Visitor says: Forget the machineries. Tell me
how much do you want for that whistle.

Baldheaded person to barber: You should cut my
hair cheaper. There is so little of it.
Barber: In your case we don’t charge for cutting
the hair. We charge for having to search it.

A stranger mistook a lunatic asylum for a
college. Realizing his mistake he said to the
clerk: “ I suppose, after all, There is not much
difference between the two”. Clerk replied; “Oh
yes, there is. In this place you have to show
improvement before you can get out”.

A passenger an airplane was far up in the sky
when the pilot began to laugh hysterically.
Passenger: What is the joke?
Pilot: I am thinking of what they will say at
the asylum when they find out that I have
escaped.

Judge to policeman: what gave you the impression
that the prisoner was drunk?
Pole-man: He engaged in a heated argument with a
taxi Driver.
Judge: That does not prove anything.
Policeman: There was no taxi driver at all.
Servant to master: Sir, wake up. Wake up.
Master : Why. What is the matter,
Servant : You have forgotten to take your
sleeping tablets.

Woman to friend: we are celebrating our maid
servant’s silver jubilee today.
Friend : has she been with you for twenty five
years?
Woman: No. She is the twenty fifty servant we
had this year.
Sister Maria lives in a very strict convent
where the nuns are allowed to say only two words
every ten years. After ten years, she goes to
see the Mother Superior.
Maria says: “Bed hard”.
Another ten years go by and again she meets
Mother superior. This time she says: “Food bad”.

Yet another ten years go by and it is time for
the third meeting. By now Sister Maria is so
unhappy that she Blunts out. “I quit”.
“No wonder”, say the Mother Superior. “You have
been thirty years and all you have done is
bitch, bitch, bitch”.
A man named Tip has been going to the same
barber Marcello for thirty four years.
The barber asks him: “What is new, my friend?”.
Tip says that he is going by Alitalia Airlines.

Barber says: “Alitalia? It is the worst airline
in the world. Where will you stay?”.
Tip says he will stay in Hilton Hotel in Rome.
The barber tells him that it is not a good
hotel. Then he asks Tip what he is going to do
in Rome. He replies that he will have a private
meeting with the Pope.
Barber says: “Private? You see when you got to
see the Pope, there will be a thousand people
with you”. Two weeks later, Tip cimes back.
Barber asks him:“How was your trip?”. He
replies: “It was magnificent. The service on
Alitalia was very good. The Hilton hotel in Rome
was excellent. And when I saw the Pope, it was
only two of us were there”.
Barber asks: “Really? What did the Pope say?”.
Tip said: “ When I leaned to kiss his ring, he
looked down at me and asked, where did you get
that lousy haircut?”.
Manager asked his clerk: “How is that you are
late this morning.
Clerk; I over-slept.
Manager : Do you sleep at home also?
Boss: Look here. You have entered this debit
Item under credit.
New Clerk : I am sorry, Sir. You see I am
left-handed.
Employer : (to newly hired typist); I hope you
thoroughly understand the importance of
punctuation.
Stenographer: Oh yes. I always get to work on
time.
Prospective Employer: You want a job here. Do
you ever tell lies?
Office Boy: No Sir, but I can learn.
Boys: I am surprised at you. Do you know what
they do with boys who tell lies?
Office Boy: Yes Sir, when they get old enough
the firm sends them out as salesmen.

A firm printed the following sentence on its
salary receipt
Forms: “Your salary is your personal business
and should not be disclosed to anyone”.
The new employee, while signing the receipt,
added: “I Won’t mention it to anybody. I am as
much ashamed of it As you are”.
Boss: What do you want?
Clerk: May I have your phone please? My wife
told me to ask you for an increase in salary.
But she forgot to tell me how much.
Employee to colleague: I wonder why the boss
keeps that stenographer. She can not spell.
Colleague: Casting a spell is her strong point.
Stenographer who has applied for a job: “I may
tell you that I am considered to be quite smart.
I have won several Prizes in cross word puzzles
and other competitions”.

Employer: But I want some who can be smart
during office Hour.
Stenographer: all this was done during the
office hours.
Boss: Can’t you find something to do?
Office boy : Am I expected to find the work and
also to do it.

Tom to Dick: What is your occupation?
Dick: It is not an occupation. It is a pursuit.
I am a Bill collector.
Tom : What do you do for your sleeplessness?
Dick: I take a glass of wine at regular
intervals.
Tom : Does that bring you sleep?
Dick : No, but it makes me satisfied to keep
awake.

Guest : Does the water always come through roof
like this?
Hotel Manager: No, Sir, only when it rains.

Diner : Waiter, take this coffee away. It is
like mud.
Waiter: Well. It was ground this morning.

Customer: What is this in my soup?
Waiter don’s ask me, Sir. I don’t know one
insect from another.
A man with defective vision lost his hat in a
strong wind. He gave it a chase when a woman
shouted from a near-by by farm House.
She asked: What are you doing here.
He replied: I am trying to get my hat.
The woman claimed: Your hat? You are chasing our
Little black hen.

A doctor went to a village to find out how the
people were taking precautions against the
spread of an epidemic. He asked A villager about
it and he replied: Or family has bought a
Sanitary cup and we all drink from it.
Customer: Look here waiter. I have just found a
collar button In my soup.
Waiter: Thank you, Sir. I have been looking for
it all over.
Friend to author: Don’t you find writing a than
less job?
Author: No. on the contrary everything I write
is returned with thanks.

A city girl was visiting her uncle in the
village. She Saw a cow chewing her cud.
The uncle told her: It is a fine cow. She said:
Yes. But does it not cost a lot to keep her in
chewing gum?
A stranger went to a certain place and asked a
citizen: “Is this a healthy locality”? He
replied: I am sure It is a healthy place. When
I came here I could not utter a word. I did not
have the strength to walk across the room. I had
to Be lifted from bed.

Stranger said: “It is really wonderful. How long
you have been here”?
The citizen replied: I was born here.
Milkman to his assistant: Did you put water into
milk this morning.
Assistant: Yes. I did.
Milkman: Don’t you know that it is very bad to
do so.
Assistant : But you told me to mix water with
the milk.
Milkman: Yes. I told you that first you should
put water into the pot and then pour the milk
into it. Then we can tell people that we never
put water in our milk.

The boat was about in sink. The captain raised
his voice and asked the passengers: Does anyone
know how to pray?
One passenger answered: Yes, Captain. I know.
Captain said: Then you start to pray. The rest
of us will put on life-belts. They are one
short.

She: Where did you get that umbrella from?
He: It was a gift from sister
She: You told me that you did not have any
sister.
He: I know. But that is engraved on the
umbrella.
A man told his friend: Don’t bother me. I am
writing to my girl friend.
Friend :But why are you writing so slowly?
Man: Because she can’t read very fast.
Mitra: My grandfather lived to be nearly 100
years. But he never used glasses.
Sen: I Know many people who prefer to drink from
a bottle.
He: Give me your telephone number. I will call
you sometime.
She: My number is in the telephone directory.
He: Fine. What is your name.
She : My name is also in it.

Author to friend: It seems that the publishers
have a conspiracy against me.
Friend: Why do you say so?
Author; Ten of them have rejected the same
story.
Man to friend: I understand that your son in
college is quite an author. Does he write for
money?
Friend : Yes; in every letter.

Son to father: Dad, you remember that story you
told me relating to your expulsion from the
college.
Father: Yes.
Son: I was thinking how is it that history
repeats Itself.
Friend: What is your son going to be when he has
passed his final exams.
Father: He will be an old man.

Father: Son, are you pursuing your studies
faithfully?
Son: Yes, indeed, I am always behind.

Man to friend: How long you have been working
for your company.
Friend : Ever since the manager threatened to
dismiss me.
Manager to clerk: Where is the cashier?
Clerk: He has gone to the races.
Manager: How dies he go to races during business
hours?
Clerk: This is his last chance to make the books
balance.
Customer to druggist: I am not able to sleep at
night.
The least noise disturbs me. Even a cat on our
back fence troubles me.

Druggist: This powder will be effective.
Customer: When should I take it?
Druggist : You don’t take it. Give it to the cat
in milk.

Customer : I want to try on that suit in the
window.
Salesman : Sorry. You to will have to use the
office room.
A man went to a bird store and asked the owner
to give him a few thousand cockroaches. The
owner asked him why he wanted them.
He replied that he was vacating the house he had
occupied so long and the landlord had insisted
that he should leave it exactly in the same
condition in which he found it when he occupied
it.
Customer: I hear that my son has owed you for a
suit for Three years.
Tailor: Yes Sir, have you come to settle the
account?
Customer: No. I would like you to make a suit
for myself on the same terms.
A businessman tells his friend: Everybody puts
his nose Into my business.
Friend: How?
Businessman: I am not complaining. I am
manufacturing handkerchiefs.

Tax officer asks a businessman: What is your
gross income? He replied: I have no gross
income. I am in the fish business. All my income
is net income.
A sales manage in a Madras company has a very
loud voice. One day the managing director found
that the sales manager Was talking in a loud
voice. He asked his secretary what Was the noise
about. The secretary replied that the sales
Manager was talking to a customer in Bombay. The
managing Director said: Why does he not talk on
the phone?
Manager of a store to friend: The young man to
whom I gave a job last week seems to be
dishonest.
Friend : You should not judge him by appearance.
Manager: I am not. I am judging by
disappearance.